Puzzle of the Day: My Microwave

I like men, and I like puzzles. Men are known for their propensity for performing practical jokes and for generally not acting their age (once a teenage boy, always a teenage boy). In fact, if you believe things that are printed in books, the reason that women started being hired as telephone operators in the late 19th/early 20th centuries has nothing to do with women's rights or suffrage. According to p. 13 of this book, the teenage boys originally hired as telephone operators amused themselves by intentionally crossing wires and performing other pranks.

OK, now on to puzzles. Somehow I suspect that a man is behind the latest puzzle in my life. Clearly there are no other rational explanations. I recently returned from a business trip. I was tired and hungry, and decided I wanted dinner. I selected an appropriate microwave dinner, put it into my microwave, and pushed the buttons that I thought would initiate the cooking process. I was shocked and horrified to find that it did not work. For reasons that remain unclear, in my absence every microwave button had decided to begin performing some unrelated function. I'm still trying to figure out what some of the buttons mean.

Since I'm having so much fun with this new, more enigmatic microwave functionality I'm going to turn it into a game for you: Guess the Microwave Button Functionality! If you get 100% on this quiz game, I will personally send you happy thoughts (telepathically). On second thought, if you get a perfect score, maybe I'll send you the microwave...

!--BEGIN GAME

Game title: Guess the Microwave Button Functionality!

Rules: Guess what each microwave button does. When you think you've figured it out, click on the button name (link) to see what it actually does.

Picture of the microwave. Look at it, trying to appear all normal.

Buttons:

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Auto Defrost Clock One Minute +
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Popcorn Potato Boil Water
Frozen Dinner Bacon Pizza Reheat
Fresh Vegetables Soften Ice Cream
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Handy Helper Kids Meals Snack Bar
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1 2 3
4 5 6
7 8 9
Power Level 0 Kitchen Timer
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Pause/Cancel Start
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For those cynics among you who don't believe my microwave is really this messed up, I started putting a video together to showcase the microwave button madness. Then I got bored and decided it wasn't worth the trouble.

Scoring:

If you got ten or more answers right: I have serious doubts about your sanity. You are about as rational as modern technology in my home, which is not a good thing. Recommend a visit to the shrink.

If you got fewer than ten answers correct: You're officially sane and rational. That may or may not be a good thing.

!--END GAME

(Disclaimer, for those of you who have a difficult time identifying and understanding sarcasm: I know there is no rational reason to blame men for my microwave problems. I intended only to post the "students swapping signs" picture for your amusement. As I prepared to do so, I decided to cook a fantastic frozen dinner; that caused me to be reminded of my microwave 's personality issues. I decided that I might as well forge an otherwise illogical and irrational link between the two issues, just for fun.)