Assorted and Sundry Unidentified Flying Objects

As I was sitting in front of my computer munching on the wrapper of the Baby Ruth candy bar I recently ate (grr, I want this kitchen remodeling* to end so I can eat normal food!), I decided to put my New Mexico pictures onto my computer. Incidentally, I've purchased a new digital camera since my old one kicked the bucket a few weeks ago. Anyway, among the pictures of striking desert landscapes, sunsets, roadrunners, and petroglyphs (ancient graffiti) I was amazed to find a remarkable picture of an Unidentified Flying Object** floating above the Sandia Mountains. Seriously! Check the UFO out:



I suppose Albuquerque is only a few hours away from Roswell...

And that isn't my only UFO picture for the day. Fun person that I am, I was staring out the window onto the balcony this afternoon, when I noticed an odd spot on the window. I thought, "wow, that almost looks like the outline of a bird!" I looked more closely... wings, body (with complete feather outlines), head, beak... oh, my; it IS a bird! As far as I can tell, some poor unsuspecting pigeon decided that it wanted to break in, only to be greeted by the harsh reality of sliding glass doors. Given that I found no dead bird on my balcony, I think it survived the impact. Why it left a complete bird imprint behind, I have no idea. Here's the result of my attempt to photograph the bird outline.

* As is to be expected, the kitchen renovations are taking much longer than I'd expected. Delays, delays, delays. I have new appliances, cabinets, and a floor, but no countertop or sink, and some drywall still needs to go in. Estimated completion: 9 April! Ack. I've learned the hard way that Rule #1 of remodeling is: "Your place is fine the way it is; don't change a thing!"

** Cynical? Yes, there is a very simple, very rational explanation. No, it does not involve me doctoring the photo in any way. No clouds either. You must figure it out yourselves.

Fascinating things about fascinating things

Tonight you shall learn that I am in the habit of watching excessive amounts of television. When I was young, I read a lot. Now that I'm older and my brain is deader I'm more able to focus on pictures of reality generated by someone else's imagination.

I'm assuming that you don't watch all of the same shows as me. As a result, I'm going to provide summaries of some of the shows I watch.

*important disclaimer*
If I ever recommend a TV show, movie, or book, you may want to ask me whether I like the TV show, movie or book, or if I like the IDEA of the TV show, movie, or book. It is an important distinction. For example, I recommended Max Barry's book Jennifer Government to a few people because it is the philosophical antithesis of Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged (which, incidentally, I thought was a dumb book. If I'm really bored one of these days I'll give you the joy of a book report--maybe even comparing and contrasting the "dangers of extreme capitalism" book with the "dangers of extreme socialism" book. What a treat that will be.). After taking me up on my recommendation, someone asked if I really enjoyed the book. I had to think about it for a minute. Realistically, the plot was weak, and by the ending it all sort of fell apart. But I was so intrigued with the IDEA of the book--and, in particular, the contrast with Ayn Rand's "masterpiece"--that I had forgotten that I didn't even like it that much.
*end important disclaimer*

Now that you've endured my warning, you get to the good part. Here's more than you ever needed to know about the TV shows I watch:

- Lost - My sister and I watched all of Seasons 1 and 2 over Columbus Day weekend (a.k.a. Indigenous People's Day, in selected parts of California; a.k.a. Indigent People's Day, according to my mom who forgot that it was really Indigenous and not Indigent) last year. Season 3 has been rather disappointing. What's up with the torture plot lines? But I watch it anyway, hoping that Benry really is Radiohead singer Thom Yorke and at any moment is going to break out into a fantastic rendition of my favorite song. Incidentally, this is the best Radiohead video. It's deep, just like Lost tries to be. And we come full circle.

- Heroes - Comic book style stories are very popular right now, aren't they? When I first saw the previews for this show, I thought it was a fictional story based on stories of people who are nice to other people -- help the old lady across the street and that sort of thing. Apparently my mind skipped over the "flying human" and "stopping time by wrinkling your nose" themes. Um, how did I miss that?? At one point someone described the actual plot, and I decided to watch it. I do like this show, though I can't stand the Las Vegas schizophrenic woman and associated plotline. Ugh. That branch of the overall story needs to end.

- Top Design - I'm a big Project Runway and Top Chef fan--after all, who could forget Project Runway's post office challenge or the garden episode, or the Top Chef monkfish episode? The creativity is spectacular. Not just the creativity of the contestants, but the creativity of whoever develops those seriously twisted challenges. When I first heard about Top Design, I had high expectations. They were not met. The one noteworthy thing about Top Design is the fact that judge Kelly Wearstler is trying hard to look like a damsel in distress from a Waterhouse painting. The examples are here and here and here and here and here. Is she starved for attention? It's as if she's trying to take the focus off the contest and contestants, and make herself the "story of the show." Unfortunately, given the boring contestant interactions and blah plotlines, she's succeeding.

- America's Next Top Model - Seriously, I watch this show. No, it's not for the catfights. It has some great dialogue ("I know, right?"), and plot twists (Russian mail order bride??). But if you're really interested in my primary reason for watching ANTM, you'll have to visit my blog this weekend..

- American Idol - It's fascinating to see the confidence. These people really believe they are the best. It reminds me of this video (specifically, watch 4:24-5:26. Peter Serafinowicz, you ARE a pop idol.)

- Psych - Ahh, the sweet, sweet sarcasm. I'm more than a little bitter about the short duration of this show's "seasons." How could it be over already?? It's almost as depressing as the 6-episode British comedy "seasons." In my heart I've already purchased the DVD.

Yeah. Too much TV.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly

What are your feelings about computer games? You know what I'm talking about -- those little distractions that are almost more popular than movies. Personally, I haven't been all that into computer games since they've started to become more and more "realistic." Games are SUPPOSED to be unrealistic. The semi-realistic ones are for people who are trying to hide from their real lives. But that's a topic for another day.

What kind of games do I like? Well, on business trips I tend to go for trendy cell phone casual games (at least when I'm not out with colleagues discussing Lost or other fine products of the human imagination). But my favorite genre is probably text-based gaming. It brings back memories of our old Apple IIe. Goodness, I miss that computer.

Thankfully, Homestar Runner produced a series of text-based games--the Thy Dungeonman series. The next best is Peasant's Quest, which is based on my all-time favorite game, King's Quest. I probably shouldn't admit that I have the entire King's Quest series on my computer.

I never got into playing chess (though I do like fancy chess boards), but I do like Othello and Reversi. They may or may not be different games. If you want to know the minute hypothetical differences, feel free to visit the links I included. If you're bored and need something to take up time, I'd be happy to play Reversi with you (via Yahoo Games). I may or may not let you win. :)

Pets that look like their owners...?

I'm still in New Mexico. It's amazing what discussions come up during green chile dinnertime discussion. If it's any indicator, this site factored into the conversation...

Hmmm...

Ailihphilia or aibohphobia?

A week with three official holidays! Now, that's something to celebrate. Pi Day, then the Ides of March, and now St. Patrick's Day. I hope you're all wearing something green. I'm celebrating by spending my time in Albuquerque, New Mexico, the homeland of my mom's side of the family (since 1951, at least). Due to the family connection, I'm one of a small number of people who can spell Albuquerque correctly without thinking about it. Clearly, that means my life thus far has been an incredible success. I was supposed to go back to DC for the weekend, but the latest in a long line of ice storms made that not so. Fine by me--the weather here in NM is great!

Anyway, back to this week's holidays. Apparently many schools decided to celebrate Tri-Holiday Season by scheduling spring break this week. What could make the week more exciting? That's an easy question. The answer: more holidays! Let's fill the whole week with 'em--seven solid days of celebration. I've taken the liberty of making up four additional holidays. Feel free to pretend you collaborated. Or, if you don't like mine, make up some of your own!

Septholiday Schedule:

3/11 - Cure Cover Song Day. 311. Lovesong. Do I have to explain it? Sorry, I just don't feel like it.

3/12 - Quarter Day! Spend the day polishing your entire quarter collection. Or you can spend the day reducing fractions! So many options.

3/13 - Yadiloh Holiday. Celebrate palindromes! If you're an elihphile (as I am), you'll enjoy this one. Celebrate at exactly 3:13 on 3/13. You can do all sorts of fun things, like round up your bill at the restaurant so that (with tip) the number is reversible. After all, $18.81 looks much better than $18.53 or something. Or you can cite famous palindromes, like "A man, a plan, a canal, Panama." Or buy a goldfish and name it Hannah or Bob or something. Gotta love symmetry. I sure do.

3/14 - This one already is a widely celebrated holiday. Hooray for Pi Day!

3/15 - Beware the Ides of March! Stab a friend in the back today. Or let someone betray you. Maybe you deserve it...

3/16 - I'm going to make this "Cynical About Technology Day." I just don't believe that bits and bytes can be sent around the world in the blink of an eye. I certainly can't walk that fast. So how on earth can I e-mail someone on the other side of the planet and have the message arrive in their inbox in a matter of seconds? It must be some sort of Truman Show type setup. If you happen to believe in this technological nonsense, then you'll note that today in binary is 10000. For those curious cynics out there, spend the day reading the RFCs that became the foundation of the modern Internet. Reading is fun!

3/17 - St. Patrick's Day! A good day to close out the holiday week. I'm opting not to wear green, 'cuz I have green eyes. That counts, right?

What next?

The last few days have been weird (to say the least), so I'm currently distracting myself by finding new entertaining videos on YouTube. I guess there's sort of a sci fi theme going on here. Why? Good question.

- This is one of the oldest sci fi movies. Hooray for French people in pointy hats!

- If you're a fan of TV show Heroes, this video may be of interest.

- Star Wars #1: How did George Lucas come up with the plot?

- Star Wars #2: COPS, Storm Trooper style

- Star Wars #3: Chad Vader, forever living in the shadow of his brother.

- Star Trek #1: TNG, just as I remember it.

Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced

Hooray for my good friend insomnia, who decided to visit again tonight. I'll use this opportunity to draft a long-overdue posting on famous Danish exports, inspired by my January trip. Are you familiar with the commercial products of Denmark? Well, there are the pastries, which I can't say enough about. Danes export lots of pork, I'm told. They also export bunches of important Computer Science people, including the creators and co-creators of programming languages such as C++ and C#. Legos are a Danish product; the name "lego" is derived from two Danish words, which translate to something like "play well." And who can forget ye olde viking kings of England? They were from Denmark too.

But you're omitting the most important one: Denmark's export of depressed people. There are so many examples from which to choose. Here is my tribute to the famous depressed people of Denmark:

• Hamlet - Sure, he's fictional... but he's Danish and he's depressed. Given that I studied Hamlet in two different high schools and at least two college classes, I can't skip him.

During my trip I took a tour up to "Hamlet's Castle" (if you're planning to travel there, note that the "Hamlet's Castle" tour gives you 20 minutes at Kronborg Castle and several hours at other castles). The castle was actually a tollbooth and a prison, not a royal residence.

• Ophelia - Fictional too. I suppose she's more crazy than depressed, but what the heck, I'll include her here too.
• Rosencrantz and Guildenstern - These characters from Hamlet actually were based on real people. Real names, at least. Apparently there were lots of Rosenkrantzes and Gyldenstiernes who visited the English royal courts in Shakespeare's time. For what it's worth, Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead is one of my all-time favorite plays.
• Viggo Mortensen - He's half Danish. Have you seen his art, music, and poetry? Dark and sullen.
• Hans Christian Andersen - Only Disney thinks fairy tales should have happy endings. Have you read Andersen's real stories? Depressing. Try the original Little Mermaid, or The Little Match Girl! Then again, there's The Princess and the Pea, which was designed to teach girls that it's okay to be high maintenance. Interestingly, I was surprised to find that his fable titled This Fable Is Intended For You really was about me.
• Most importantly: Famous philosopher Søren Kierkegaard - One of the first things I noticed on my trip was that Copenhagen had lots of areas named after him. For instance, he is buried in a place called Assistens Kirkegård. And there are bunches of other kirkegårds around. It didn't take me too long to realize that the word "kirkegård" (which is basically his last name) is actually Danish for "cemetery." Of course the guy was depressed--you would be too if your last name meant "graveyard."

But the main reason I'm including Kierkegaard in the list has to do with my hopeless romantic (though mostly hopeless) side. This famous "father of existentialism" is also famous for his depressing love story. When he was 24 or so he fell in love with Regine Olsen, who was 15 at the time. More than two years later, during some sort of piano recital at her family's home, he confessed his feelings: "Oh! What do I care for music, it's you I want, I have wanted you for two years." And they became engaged. (note: they just don't make men like that anymore, do they?)

But, naturally, this overly analytic philosopher with the last name of "graveyard" decided inexplicably that the relationship could not be. He broke off the engagement--and broke Regine's heart--for reasons still not quite understood. He claimed in his journals that it was due to his "melancholy." She later married, but he never did. According to some source that is cited in Wikipedia (bah, you can find the original source yourself), "it can be argued that no other single woman has been so instrumental in a major philosopher's development as Regine was to Kierkegaard."

The Copenhagen City Museum houses a tiny Kierkegaard exhibit. I had to search a bit before finding the exhibit; it was in a closet-sized space just outside the ballroom, where a modeling shoot was taking place (a story for another day... or never). There I learned the last interesting fact for the evening. One of the items on display was the engagement ring that Kierkegaard had given Regine. Apparently in the tradition of the time, when an engagement was broken off, the gems in the ring would be reset in the shape of a cross. Kierkegaard did so, and wore the former engagement ring for the rest of his life.

I think Kierkegaard's failed romance would make a good movie. Or at least a movie that I would watch. Hmm... that's giving me writing-related ideas...

Change is in the air!

One thing that I plan to change very soon is the location of my blog. The MySpace blog site has been too unstable for me lately... it keeps eating my postings, or erroring out. I've finally decided "enough is enough." Sometime in March (when I have some free time) I'm going to make the effort to teleport my blog. My top candidates are Blogger and Wordpress. Any others I should consider?

And speaking of change, I'm finally getting my condo renovated. My new dishwasher has been decorating my living room for far too long, and the boxed new kitchen cabinets are taking up space in my dining area. The almost-former kitchen is getting gutted tomorrow.

No kitchen. Hmm. I need to eat, and, though I enjoy fast food periodically, I don't want to gain thirty pounds during the course of the upgrades. Instead, I am going to see how many "just add boiling water" meals I can make during the refrigerator/stove/microwave-free chaos. I bought one of those nice electric teapots that are so popular in my office.

Thus far, these seem to be my food options:

- Couscous
- Quinoa
- Macaroni and Cheese
- Ramen Noodles
- Cup-a-soup
- Soup Cups
- Cream of Wheat
- Hot Chocolate (that's a meal, right?)
- If I get really desperate, I can just add water to my cereal...

*Sniff* I'm going to miss my kitchen appliances...

Food is an important part of a balanced diet

So, you don't like veggies? Well, you carniverous beast, perhaps you'd appreciate them more if they looked like cuddly little creatures.

I think that pretty much sums it all up.

Without music, life would be an error

I tried to put this message up last night, but MySpace decided it didn't feel like posting it. Good thing today's a snow day (it doesn't look all that bad out but I'll take it anyway--I hate driving in snow, and anyway, it'll be easier to chisel my car out of the ice in the toasty warm afternoon sunlight), otherwise I don't know when I'd find time to try again! Note that this posting is cutting into valuable "catch up on TV missed while I was out of town" time.

Blog #26 Attempt #62:

I'm back in jetlag avoidal mode. Nothing soothes and calms quite like good, soft music. Here are some music recommendations--songs to serenade and relax you, with the end goal of deep and rejuvenating sleep:

- Classical music works well. This classic should bring back memories of your fun and fulfilling childhood. You know what I'm talking about--that childhood you wish you could return to now...

- Light foreign music might put you in a relaxed state. This video will also give you tips on hot new fashion and dance moves, among other things. I miss the 80s. Apparently they missed the end of the 80s. I wonder if the singer is available...?

- This music video will bring pleasant dreams of food. Ah, who am I trying to kid... this one is more than a little on the creepy side, but hey, it has that morbid fascination thing going for it.

- And, finally, this song will not only relax you, it will also reenergize you for this fresh new work week.

When I grow up, I want to be a superhero!

I'm happy to say that on this trip I have discovered my superhero power. Amazing--I wasn't even trying to find one! It seems that I have some kind of electromagnetic interference capability. But don't expect me to register this power with the World Superhero Registry or anything anytime soon.

It all started with my microwave; now it has afflicted my digital camera. I swear, it was working fine when I left my hotel room on Sunday afternoon. I started walking around London and suddenly the screen died. Can't see a thing. It hasn't deterred me from taking pictures, though--it seems to be taking them in spite of the lack of screen display. I just can't tell what I'm photographing. I've started a "point, pray, and click" methodology. I guess when I get home I'll find out whether anything turned out.

I guess I'm now in the market for a digital camera. My sister was just saying she wanted my camera if I got a new one. Now's her chance!

Speaking of superheroes, I read an interesting quote in the in-flight magazine. The article was about Pixar animated movies contrasted with old Disney movies. I quote:

"Pixar films take a different tack by creating modern, humanlike characters struggling with real-world issues in life-like places."

Suure. While the author makes a very creative statement, I didn't really see how Toy Story, The Incredibles, or other movies are particularly analogous to my life, even if they "live like humans in a society." I think my life is much more like Cinderella or Robin Hood than any of those new flicks...

Each year one vicious habit rooted out

Now that we're more than halfway into the second month of the year, you've probably given up on all your New Year's resolutions. Have no fear--there is still time to get your New Year's resolutions back on track! Since I'm going to be in non-blogging status for the next several days, I wanted to leave you with a few tips on how to re-motivate yourself to be a better person in 2007.

Things you can do to improve your life:

Improve your Efficiency

There are many options here, more than I can name in an efficient period of time. Here are just a few:

- Get a DVR, and watch TV on fast forward. Why waste 1, 2, or 3 hours of your time watching the latest television shows, when you could get the same watching done in a fraction of the time? Tape everything, and watch it on fast forward! This works especially well with those weight loss shows. The person starts out slightly overweight, and after 5 minutes on fast forward, they're slim and slender! It's also good for those home decoration shows--ugly house to amazingly decorative home in 5 minutes.
- Like music, but have more songs than you can reasonably listen to within a week? I have a solution to that as well! Most people don't realize that they can listen to ITunes and Windows Media Player at the same time. It works great--you can pack even more of your favorite music into your day. It's like having your own randomized mashups.

Exercise

- This is something that's on pretty much everyone's list. You may not have heard of this newfangled multitasking exercise that is popular in Japan. They have some wonderful exercise videos that feature workouts plus English language tips and tricks. I strongly recommend this one; it just gets better and better. You just have to stick with it thru some of the monotony. Once you get to 1:05 or 1:50 you'll be hooked.

Food/Diet

We can't talk about exercise without talking about food/diet. Since your new multitasking workout plan is going to burn lots of calories, you can eat whatever you want. Here are some options that have low calories, low fat content, and delicious sounding ingredients. Oh, wait; no, they don't. Check it out:

- Ultimate Comfort Food
- The Mighty Chicken Stuff - Ramen noodles??
- Fried Chicken Tenders
- Simple Malaysian Fried Chicken - Um, I went to Malaysia. The people there are pretty skinny. How, if they eat this stuff???
- Dessert

Participate in a Volunteer Activity

After simplifying your life with multitasking workouts and abbreviated TV watching/music listening sessions, you'll have lots of time to dedicate to volunteer work. So now I offer you the world's easiest volunteering job: it's called the Great Backyard Bird Count, which is going on this weekend. All you have to do is sit in your house and look out the window. It's only a 15-minute commitment. If you can't handle that, you are either way too busy or way too lazy. Granted, you do have to try to identify birds. But hey, some of us enjoy that. Think of this as resume building experience...

Puzzle of the Day: My Microwave

I like men, and I like puzzles. Men are known for their propensity for performing practical jokes and for generally not acting their age (once a teenage boy, always a teenage boy). In fact, if you believe things that are printed in books, the reason that women started being hired as telephone operators in the late 19th/early 20th centuries has nothing to do with women's rights or suffrage. According to p. 13 of this book, the teenage boys originally hired as telephone operators amused themselves by intentionally crossing wires and performing other pranks.

OK, now on to puzzles. Somehow I suspect that a man is behind the latest puzzle in my life. Clearly there are no other rational explanations. I recently returned from a business trip. I was tired and hungry, and decided I wanted dinner. I selected an appropriate microwave dinner, put it into my microwave, and pushed the buttons that I thought would initiate the cooking process. I was shocked and horrified to find that it did not work. For reasons that remain unclear, in my absence every microwave button had decided to begin performing some unrelated function. I'm still trying to figure out what some of the buttons mean.

Since I'm having so much fun with this new, more enigmatic microwave functionality I'm going to turn it into a game for you: Guess the Microwave Button Functionality! If you get 100% on this quiz game, I will personally send you happy thoughts (telepathically). On second thought, if you get a perfect score, maybe I'll send you the microwave...

!--BEGIN GAME

Game title: Guess the Microwave Button Functionality!

Rules: Guess what each microwave button does. When you think you've figured it out, click on the button name (link) to see what it actually does.

Picture of the microwave. Look at it, trying to appear all normal.

Buttons:

--------------------------------------------------------
Auto Defrost Clock One Minute +
--------------------------------------------------------
Popcorn Potato Boil Water
Frozen Dinner Bacon Pizza Reheat
Fresh Vegetables Soften Ice Cream
--------------------------------------------------------
Handy Helper Kids Meals Snack Bar
--------------------------------------------------------
1 2 3
4 5 6
7 8 9
Power Level 0 Kitchen Timer
--------------------------------------------------------
Pause/Cancel Start
--------------------------------------------------------

For those cynics among you who don't believe my microwave is really this messed up, I started putting a video together to showcase the microwave button madness. Then I got bored and decided it wasn't worth the trouble.

Scoring:

If you got ten or more answers right: I have serious doubts about your sanity. You are about as rational as modern technology in my home, which is not a good thing. Recommend a visit to the shrink.

If you got fewer than ten answers correct: You're officially sane and rational. That may or may not be a good thing.

!--END GAME

(Disclaimer, for those of you who have a difficult time identifying and understanding sarcasm: I know there is no rational reason to blame men for my microwave problems. I intended only to post the "students swapping signs" picture for your amusement. As I prepared to do so, I decided to cook a fantastic frozen dinner; that caused me to be reminded of my microwave 's personality issues. I decided that I might as well forge an otherwise illogical and irrational link between the two issues, just for fun.)

At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet.

Mother Nature apparently thinks I need to spend more time pondering Valentine's Day this year. Clearly. It's the only explanation for the ice storm that caused all our employers to send us home early this afternoon. Since the only conversation to be had at home was with those little heart-shaped candies, I decided to amuse myself by using my digital camera and random household objects (and, unfortunately, MS Paint) to create mini Valentines.

The initial idea was much more interesting than the final product. But that's not going to prevent me from posting the end results of my effort. I have nothing better to do... except perhaps watch American Idol. Who am I kidding--that's not really better, is it?

If you're still seeking the perfect Valentine to impress that special someone, perhaps one of these would work: (disclaimer: your expectations should be low; the attached are the product of boredom and tiredness after last night's insomnia)

- Valentine #01
- Valentine #02
- Valentine #03
- Valentine #04
- Valentine #05
- Valentine #06
- Valentine #07
- Valentine #08
- Valentine #09
- Valentine #10
- Valentine #11
- Valentine #12 Yeah, this one really, really didn't work out so well. But here are some tips/tricks if you're curious.

If you were completely disappointed by the cards (totally justified), I now present an opportunity to become even more deeply disappointed. Here are some variations on the traditional "Roses are Red" love poetry:

- Inspiring Jealousy:

Roses are red
Brown is an otter;
I think you're cute,
but your best friend is hotter.

- Love from afar:

Roses are red
Blue is the sea
You have a sweet smile
That's never for me

- For people like me, who are terrible with names:

Roses are red
Chocolates are sweet
I hope you don't mind
if I call you Pete

- For all those guys with that long floppy hairstyle that seems to be trendy:

Roses are red
And just 'cuz I care,
You used to be cute.
Now, please cut that hair!

- Bitter against 14 February hype? For you:

Roses are red
The sky is grey
There are few things I hate
much more than this day.

Try writing your own! It's hours of fun when you're stuck at home in an ice/sleet/snowstorm.

Hmm... next time I think I'll just read a book or something.

Remember we're all in this alone

No plans for Valentine's Day? Don't worry! I can help you plan your entire evening. All you need to do is follow my simple three step process. If you do, by the end of the evening you will successfully be as despondent as possible. You have a few days to put this lofty goal into practice.

Step 1: Feel Sorry for Yourself

- Look your worst. There's no point fixing up. If you look nice, you'll feel okay about your life. You're alone on Valentine's Day--you're supposed to be miserable. Let it show.

- Eat lots of candy. Chocolate is especially good; plus, the sugar will help keep you awake til the end of the night. Unfortunately, I think it's past the deadline to personalize your chocolates with depressing and lonely messages.

- Listen to depressing music. You need the right song set to lower your spirits. To assist you, I have created a series of potential playlists. I packed as many depressing and minor key songs as I could onto a series of CD-length playlists (in case any of you still use that ancient technology). It was easy--just a classic knapsack problem... which, incidentally, is also useful when you're trying to spend all that last-minute foreign currency just before you board your flight home.

I digress. Here are my sample playlists:

- My personal Valentine's Day playlist. It's so long I had to divide it into Part 1 and Part 2.
- I also offer a darker, more depressing playlist option.
- You may also want a playlist with a cheesier angle. One might argue that some of the songs on the other playlists are also cheesy. That's nice.
- Still expecting to get a date in time for Valentine's Day? "Songs for the Optimist" is clearly the playlist for you. Have no fear, your hopes will be dashed in time for the glorious holiday.
- Just got out of a relationship? Here are some good end of relationship songs.
- Depressing classical music. These happen to be some of my favorite songs.
- Country Music, Part 1
- Country Music, Part 2 - With this disclaimer.

Step 2: Make Others Feel Sorry for You

It's not enough to feel sorry for yourself. To make the day truly miserable, you need to know that others pity you as well. To do this, you have to go out... alone. My recommendation is that you take a comfort food tour of the local area. Plan on visiting at least 5 restaurants--order only one or two items from each.

By the end you'll be even more depressed: you'll feel ten pounds heavier, you'll be at least ten pounds poorer, and you'll have seen all those happy couples out for their romantic dates... and they'll have seen you there all by your lonesome. You'll be that much closer to accomplishing your lofty goal of sadness.

So, what fits into a comfort food tour? Comfort food is very subjective. Ultimately I'll have to defer to your personal tastes, but here are some ideas to get you thinking:

- Fried mac & cheese - TGI Friday's. Always good.
- Meatloaf - Cracker Barrel. Who knew meatloaf could be so fancy?
- Mashed Potato Bowl - KFC. Mmm, fried chicken...
- Chicken pot pie - Boston Market

Seeking something more exotic? Try one of these:
- Taco Bell - Though this may be too exotic for some, there are people who consider it to be comfort food.
- Thai - Unless you have peanut allergies. I'm trying to depress you, not kill you.
- Chinese - Alternatively, you can go to a Chinese restaurant to sign up for their hockey team.
- Middle Eastern food
- Afghan food - Seriously, it's great.

Naturally, you can't skip dessert. Go for a few rounds of the sweet stuff. You might have cheesecake, apple pie, donuts, ice cream, or frozen custard... so many options!

Step 3: Feel Better by Comparing Your Life to Someone Else's Life

Forget being in love like the movies; this is the point of the evening where you come home and watch a really depressing movie. You'll feel more depressed overall, but ultimately will realize that your life could be a whole lot worse. Books could work too, but it would be easier to finish a movie in one evening than a book.

How do you select a movie? You may want to choose one that features some relationship that works out in the end; however, if you want to succeed in depressing yourself, it's better to pick one that has a depressing beginning, middle, and end.

Options:

- Anything by Thomas Hardy is a great choice--characters' lives always go from bad to worse to worst. Even the ones that "work out in the end" still don't seem happy. Far From the Madding Crowd is one option. Not depressing enough? Try Tess (based on Tess of the D'Urbervilles). It still has the lead for the most depressing movie I've ever seen. I don't think I could handle the book.
- Cyrano de Bergerac is good, too. No one ends up happy.
- If you chose the "Cheesy Depressing" song playlist, City of Angels might be a good movie choice for you. It's supposed to be a deep and depressing movie, but for some reason we ended up laughing hysterically through most of it.
- White Oleander. Her life is really, really messed up.
- Citizen Kane. Fall in love with Rosebud. But if you watch this, you must watch the equivalent Simpson's episode immediately afterwards.
- If you're a traditionalist, there's always Romeo and Juliet or Hamlet or another movie version of a Shakespearean play in which everyone dies in the end.
- The Day I Became a Woman - Um, no, it's probably not what you're thinking. It's a very ironic Persian film about the lives of a girl, a young woman, and an old woman.
- If you're into British crime drama, there's always Midsomer Murders. This episode is appropriate for creating further Valentine's Day depression.

So there you go--you now have Valentine's Day plans. There's no need to thank me. After all, I'm just here to help.